Hi, I'm dating a man who's co-parenting his 5 y/o son with his ex. He broke them up as he was being abusive. It's been like 4 years. Me and my.
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- Dating someone who is friends with their exwife
- In Relationship with a Divorced Dad: Ground Rules | The Whole Parent
- In Relationship with a Divorced Dad: Ground Rules
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However, the first time we broke up was a fight over my ex and he thought I was still hung up on him because we were so close. We were talking just this weekend about how everything that has happened in our relationship, including the breakups, have happened for a reason. And we know we have an amazing future to look forward to together. Joe, why are you so angry? Have you had a negative experience with this type of situation? We will have been together a year this month.
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As Raven says, are there other issues too? However, my son comes first. Anyone who tried to interfere with that, and is not willing to understand the priority our children take even over the relationship many times will not be a good match for me, and I will not stay with them long. That is no small responsibility, and I take it very seriously. So learning to respect ourselves while respecting others means learning to say no to things that harm us, or our child.
If my ex was a decent human being and not a narcissistic sociopath, I would want him and expect him to be involved with my son.
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But that also means deciding when and if a new relationship gets involved with your child. With my recent now ex BF, it took me about 10 months to even mention him to my son. If a guy even gets to meet my child, that is a HUGE step for me. All theses changes can have bigger impacts than we realize on our children. Respecting yourself, respecting the needs and feelings of your child, and also respecting the needs and feelings of your partner.
My ex has 2 daughters and co-parents with his ex wife. But in my case, his ex is also a narcissistic sociopath who loved to play games. She is unhappy and wanted us especially my now ex-BF to be unhappy. And my ex-BF was my soul mate in so many of the important ways. It was the hardest breakup I ever initiated. But it had to be done.
Dating someone who is friends with their exwife
No different than how she acted when married to my ex over 10 years ago. She would show up uninvited and unannounced just to ruin things. That was it for me. If she had been a decent person it would have been different, as she would have understood and respected certain boundaries. My biggest issue was my ex BF not stopping it.
So poor boundaries are a huge problem for me. So much so, I will never even date someone once I find out about it. There is a line where congenial and friendly for the sake of the kids gets crossed to something else. If it was or became disrespectful to me and my relationship, I would not stay.
But I am conservative that way. I want to do my own thing with my own child. In the beginning my BF stated that he wanted me and my kids to be a blended family type as much as we could living separate, so his actions are confusing to me. Even my ex and I did that for our kids and still go to kids events together. Of course, I expect them to do the usual holidays, birthdays, recitals, etc.
My insecurities come from the fact that he purposely made me jealous of her in the beginning, still had pictures of her family, wedding, honeymoon, them as a couple and her individually throughout the house, would mention her in every conversation, tells cute stories about her more often than their son , still fixes her computer, printer, phone, etc and generally helps her out with things that, by his own admission she should be taking care of herself or her live-in BF.
I even told him it was a concern of mine before we started officially dating. Not only are they friends but best friends to the point where he will send pictures to her while we are out doing things together. Why is he thinking of her while we are together? When they talk to each other I wonder why they split up at all. Not to everything but if should ask if he and his son have anything planned that weekend, I would like the truth.
We have both said that we want a monogamous, long-term relationship. My ex did not have pics of his ex hanging up, nor did he talk about her that often. If he is lying to you that is a huge problem in my opinion, and his actions tell me he is NOT over his ex.
In Relationship with a Divorced Dad: Ground Rules | The Whole Parent
There is too much going on with keeping the ex firmly in his life, not just for the kids sakes. I think you want to believe what he says but your gut and your mind know the truth. His son is almost 14, however he does have issues and gets into trouble at school a lot so I get that they need additional contact and meetings for him in that respect. I was assuming this was a young child, or a teenager at most. How old is the child? How many 14 year old boys want to spent time with both parents?
All the other stuff is just strange. He claims that I am trying to destroy his friendship with her. He has made changes, took down the pictures, got rid of some of her other items, and refrains from talking about her or respond to her when we are spending time together. His youngest child is 14?? This makes no sense.
I agree with Phillygirl. At first I was going to say something in support of their co-parenting abilites but then the wedding, honeymoon pictures and 14 year old son kinda changed my opinion completely…. Hannah, Yes, my BF called me high maintenance for asking what I considered normal GF needs, and I was offended but wanted to get some other opinions here. I know I left out major details of the issue. Perhaps they use the kid to hang out with each other? But who am I to say what is important to them? I have never asked to be put priority over his son and his needs.
I do the same with my kids as well. We have a lot in common and have a lot of fun doing things together. I was hoping that we could work it out, but it may be too much for me to deal with at this time. Excuse me but a 14 year old kid still needs their parents at their school events, athletic events and birthdays! CRISIS If I determine that the issue is a crisis that requires a response, I will apologize, explain the situation briefly, and respond with a text or phone call.
In Relationship with a Divorced Dad: Ground Rules
From that point on, you should treat it like an unexpected emergency. Your willingness to let these types of requests become new plans can tell a lot about healthy boundaries and good parenting skills. And if you ignore it no one will be hurt. Frustrated perhaps, but not hurt. And between strained ex-parents, there can be some manipulation and control going on. In this scenario, the kid needs a ride. Whatever the situation, the Mom is incommunicado, a problem that might need to be addressed at a different time, and a solution needs to be provided.
The kids got home and all hell broke loose. As I move into a relationship with another woman I know that too will become a priority. But I do know, that I push back on my kids all the time. They ask they demand, the whine, they want all kinds of things. The balance between these two desires of mine is more about respect and courtesy than it is about being divorced or not. As a single dad, I am just now entering a new dating relationship with a woman who does not have kids.
I can feel the pull. As a single dad, I do understand that my kids are a priority.
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But kids can be used as an unhealthy defense mechanism as well. My fear about dating a woman without kids is more about boundaries and time management. I can use the kids to get away with murder. With a single mom as a date, I know that she will understand when the kids trump our plans. However, with a date who is not a single mom, the same rule applies. And I am perfectly capable to make decisions based on a request and a crisis at the moment.
My goal then is to keep all requests out of crisis-mode. And keep all boundary discussions about us and not the kids.