Dating does not equal relationship

Here's How to Know If Your Relationship is Equal – And What To Do about is the specific incident and maybe not the person you're dating.
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Alice you have me in fits of laughter! Does that mean if we see a guy with two snickers bars in his mouth, smelling wonderful… its this guy! Thanks for the forewarning!

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I asked him once on the phone what the name of the cologne is that he was wearing and he said: He told me he had purchased haricot verts. This idiot took cooking classes and should have known better. I have the strange fortune of actually being friends with the girl he was also dating at the same time as me. The girl and I were in the same group class where the EUM was last year when we both met him, but we never spoke to each other until January of this year. Over discussing our recent relationship experiences, we found out we had both dated the same EUM — and he overlapped us during an entire month.

He never told either of us he was dating other people, and he led both of us to believe that he was too busy to have other people in the picture. Looking back, each of us saw red flags but what gets me here is he played two different games with us. For her, he actively pursued her, called her a lot, told her he wanted to see her on many many occassions, and their relationship quickly ended up in the bedroom. To her, he was acting like a confident man who knew what he wanted and would do what needed to be done to get it. To me, he was acting like a shy guy who had good intentions but needed a push to get where he wanted to be.

We got two different previews of the same guy. Yes, in both cases, the same red flags were hidden beneath the surface and in the end his true colours came out — we found out he backed away from both of us when both of us started calling him out on his wishy washy behaviour and expected him to step up to the plate. And you become attracted to that lie, and decide to go into a relationship based on that lie? I guess that is my main concern when I think of going back into the dating scene. In what universe was this man acting like a shy guy with good intentions?

This man is anything but shy. You really think a shy guy could pull the strokes that he was? Your guy was a half interested man that showed it. Thank you for your response Natalie. He was only spending time with me because I was someone who could give him that easy ego stroke when he felt like it. At the time though I really did believe this, and I created all sorts of excuses to justify his behaviour that showed otherwise. I would notice the red flags, but the way he spoke to me and how he treated me when we met up would put all those doubts of mine to one side. I attributed my feelings of alarm to my own commitment-phobic tendencies I had in my past and wrote them off.

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Yes, it is such a good question that I have been working on. After all, I knew that if my friends came up to me and told me this I would have shaken them by their shoulders and told them to snap out of it! I desparately needed something in my life that was reminiscent of what I defined as having a good life, and to me that was having a boyfriend whether he was a gentleman or an absolute jerk. I guess I am just concerned I am going to fall into the same trap again.

But I have also read the comments from other ladies here who have mentioned how men have treated them even nicer than my EUM ever did, and they still got burnt in the end. Tea Time and everyone My brother is very shy, one of the shyest people I know yet he dated, proposed to and married his wife. Shy people go to school, pass exams, get jobs, keep jobs, order food in restaurants, buy stuff, put offers in on houses, get married, have sex, have children. Shyness is no reason not to fully question whats going on during the initial dating phase…Shy guys can also be dreadfully emotionally unavailable just as gregarious extroverts can come on through as loyal loving partners.

Thanks for your comments ladies. He would talk about his family and his close relationship with his mother and siblings. He would even encourage me to continue my education, since we both agreed higher education is important though I was having trouble with my thesis at the time. When the bad behaviour came up, I used these as yet another reason to brush them off. Do they treat you with respect?

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Do they do what they say they will do? Do they have self-awareness? Will they put themselves out for you? On the negative side — do they make derogatory comments about women? About relationships in general? Are they arrogant, closed off or touchy?

But did you even ask this guy if he was single or seeing someone? Yeah Teatime, I really get what your saying… with me the hooks were shared love of books, film,art,humour too etc. I saw this sensitivity as common ground and thought it meant he would be sensitive to my feelings in a general all round good guy kind of way. What you say about common values has confused me slightly…I think we can all have different politics,views on religion, family issues but the core relationship values between you have to gel.

That is, you have to be on the same page re commitment,fidelity,where the relationship may potentially be going, trust etc. Great post Natalie and great comments. I learn so much from you all. From the time I was 20 years-old to 40 years-old, I seemed to have gone from the bedroom to the altar before I realized what had happened. As I think about my core values now, honesty emerges as number one.

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How would I remain in my newfound integrity, be honest, and talk about my dodgy past to a decent man without sending him running screaming into the night? Surely, my past would be a giant red flag to a decent man? Therefore, am I doomed? They take things as they see them. For some reason I feel that talking about what ended past relationships is an opportune time to disclose my boundaries in a way that gets the message across! You may not have known at the time that it ended because of a crossed boundary but in retrospect you can now see it very clearly.

I plan to bring the full force of what happened to end past relationships to light as a beacon to any prospective companions! Of course the minute sordid details would not be disclosed as its not something I choose to talk about with him or anybody else. Thank you for your responses. Of course, the 3 prior marriages are a matter of public record and not something I regret. I learned a ton from each marriage and my past is a part of my present which is very different. I do not resent or regret the three past marriages. You are right Getbusyliving, in hindsight, ex MM 2 finally crossed my boundaries and I finally opted out, admitttedly my boundaries were barely there.

After all, among other things, I like to spend time fixing my hair and make-up and trying on different outfits and accessories. In fact that would put me off. Maybe he likes horse riding, weight lifting, hunting, or racing race cars or hot-rodding around on a motorcycle. A lot of them though do seem to want to find a girl who participates avidly in all the same activities that they do. It seems like these men are only looking for a male buddy, who happens to have breasts and a vagina.

Oh Melanie, I literally laughed out loud when I read that! It was always about him, in every word he said and action he did. You are so very right, I had got them all mixed up! I guess this goes to show my lack of relationship experience.

I will definitely read up on your posts related to this topic and make sure I drill this difference into my head. Values are about what you need in order to live your life happily and authentically. They might even fake them to some extend. Or they might deliberately pick women who seem to be similar to them in that regard.