9 Dating Culture in Japan - here are some dating culture in japan and how to win a My Girlfriend Wants Me to Stop Being Friends with A Girl, What to Do?.
Table of contents
- Japanese Dating Culture
- The Shocking Truth About Dating in Japan as a Foreigner
- Dating and Marriage in Japan
- 7 Reasons Why Japanese Girls DON’T like Foreign Guys
Like so many other Western men in Japan, I soon discovered that at the age of 25 I was dating a drop-dead gorgeous Japanese girl of such loveliness that I had to pinch myself to believe she could be interested in my shabbily dressed self.
Japanese Dating Culture
Having endured undergraduate years in England where I was barely able to find a girlfriend of any description, this sudden transformation of fortunes should perhaps have been enough to have immediately made me seal the deal with the heavenly Japanese girlfriend, who was only too keen to settle down together.
But somehow I dithered, feeling correctly that my romantic career was only just beginning. There were several reasons why I started losing interest in dating Japanese women, but the main one was my deepening involvement with Japanese culture. By then I felt quite comfortable — indeed, slightly bored — in an exclusively Japanese world.
I was spending all week in university libraries, taxing my brain, reading Japanese books. I wanted to head off to the bars and clubs of downtown Osaka and hang out with exciting girls from all over the world. And there were so many of them! My feisty Korean girlfriend was a constant source of cultural bewilderment to me, exploding into a fury if I did not fulfill her strange demands — she once took off a stiletto and hurled it across a train station foyer at me — and yet suddenly switched to mawkish tenderness.
After all the excitement of these girlfriends, my periodic return to the arms of Japanese girlfriends seemed like interludes of Zen-like stillness. And yet pursuing a relationship with someone from another East Asian country was never really an option — I was too devoted to my studies in Japan to have time for another major cultural commitment. I found my New World girlfriends exciting and stimulating and yet never mentally tiring or a distracting cultural commitment.
The Shocking Truth About Dating in Japan as a Foreigner
I enjoyed halcyon years of flying home to the U. The New World girlfriend, I concluded, was the perfect match for me. I found that the nationality of the girl I was dating greatly affected my mental mood and how I thought about things. Japanese girlfriends, for example, were nearly always quite keen on the idea of moving back to the U. But I, in contrast, was always keen to remain firmly established in Japan. On the other hand, when I returned to the U. But my romantic wanderings, modest as they were, eventually reached a conclusion when I met my Australian girl in Osaka. A sizable part of her appeal — her openness, fun, lack of airs and inhibitions — lies in the Australian inside her calling out to me.
I wanted to have a separate life in Britain that was unconnected to Japan — I wanted to be in control of my relationship with Japan, to stop and start it as I pleased. I was, I liked to tell myself, a citizen of the world, not a slave and spokesman of Japanese culture. In my Australian partner, I have connected to worlds I would have never otherwise have known, of school years in the beating heat and sun-burned earth of provincial New South Wales.
On a daily basis I find something expansive and liberating about living in the same house as someone brought up on a continent on the other side of the world so climactically different to my own soggy island of Britain. And yet, crucially also, this is a relationship that allows me to pursue, without distraction, a great passion of my life: My Australian alliance is not a rejection of Japan; rather, it is that which daily enables me to devote much of my energy, without flagging or a feeling of oppression, towards Japan. It is ironic for me — lover of an Australian woman — that I constantly feel lukewarm about traveling to Australia itself, a country I often prefer in fond imagination than long-haul, sweltering reality.
I can appreciate the year-old zeitgeist of the Summer of Love, although Woodstock happened before I was born.
And while having many years ago retired from dating Japanese women, my love affair with Japan grows stronger every year. Foreign Agenda is a forum for opinion on issues related to life in Japan. Send your views on cross-cultural dating in Japan — and any other comments or Community story ideas — to community japantimes.
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Dating and Marriage in Japan
After spending time together outside of the group for a while, also probably five or six times, one person will confess their love for the other. If the other returns those feelings, then they become boyfriend and girlfriend. The relationship then proceeds as relationships between boyfriends and girlfriends do. There ends any significant differences. At the point of kokuhaku is where we consider two people to begin dating. Everything before that is considered getting to know each other in a friendly manner.
In the West we would argue that dating is simply getting to know someone better with romantic intent to see if you would like a relationship with them, so that the time spent outside of the group would be considered dates. From my understanding the Japanese do not see it that way.
Also to be noted is that no physical intimacy occurs until after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. All of that comes after the relationship. Attempting a kiss can make a Japanese person think you are only interested in sex or a physical relationship and not a serious or romantic relationship. A lot of miscommunication can occur here.
7 Reasons Why Japanese Girls DON’T like Foreign Guys
Since we in the West use kissing as an expression of romantic intent and as a stepping stone to building a relationship, it can be especially confusing and frustrating. So far as physical intimacy after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend: I believe everything is fair game. Obviously how soon they are willing to have sex after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend is based on the individual.
The use of kokuhaku is also a bit of a culture shock for Westerners. Love is a very powerful word and concept in English. One says those words only with someone they feel they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Westerners try not to say those words until they are sure of that feeling.
Saying those words makes the thing real and in the open. It makes you think about their feelings, your feelings and adds pressure to the situation. For those reasons most Westerners prefer romantic actions over confessions of love. One will feel what they feel and it clarifies any concerns or confusions. Most commonly we use a kiss. Kissing is a very clear sign that someone likes and wants to date you.
Unless they are drunk. Then all bets are off. Because of the kokuhaku culture expressing interest in someone can also be tricky for a Westerner. The Japanese language does not contain gradations of the word like. Each one is just a stronger way of saying that you love them. The Westerner in this case most likely only wants to go on a few dates and learn if they would be interested in becoming boyfriend and girlfriend if things work out. From a Western perspective this style of dating can seem a bit childish and immature.
Some of that feeling stems from the Eastern style of dating being similar to how we in the West date during high school. Adult dating in the West moves a bit faster than the East. For adults in the West we use physical intimacy, kissing especially, as a way of determining compatibility. To remove physical intimacy from dating in the West is to make dating the same as building a friendship. We assume they just want to be friends.
As I stated at the beginning, these are generalities and there will be exceptions. Easterners who have lived abroad, are a little bit older late twenties on or live in a major city may be more open to dating differently. With a Westerner, especially, they will expect there to be some cultural differences. They may even be aware of your cultural norms. But less traveled and young ones are more likely to be surprised by things outside of their cultural norms.
There are also people who are just looking for- or are open to- one night stands, sleeping around or being friends with benefits.
Roppongi in Tokyo is infamous for being rife with bars and clubs where Japanese women go to look for a one night foreign boyfriend. Not surprisingly one many foreigners find their way to. For all the differences in dating culture one thing holds true in both: Dating can be confusing, trying and stressful. It can also be fun, wonderful and rewarding.
Dating is called a game for a reason. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. The more you play, the better your chances of winning. But it always helps to know the rules of the game. This entry was posted on August 7, by Menzie. It was filed under Culture , Daily life , Dating , Sexuality and was tagged with Dating , dating japanese girls , dating japanese women , girls , how to date in japan , Japan , Japanese Culture , japanese dating , japanese perspective , pick up , tokyo , women. Eh, I think people move too fast in the West.
I get annoyed if someone tries to kiss me too soon. I also think the girls I have talked to who have dated guys have not had to deal with all the group dates, but then again, that makes sense.