Don't let genital herpes keeping you from dating. Some practical tips from WebMD will help you get back in the mix.
Table of contents
- Tips for Dating Someone With Herpes
- Living with Herpes: Dating, Treatment, and Intimacy with HSV-1 and 2
- How to Live and Date with Herpes
Your husband or a partner before your marriage might have transmitted it to you without ever knowing they were carrying the virus. Herpes is very common, and so is the tendency to feel awful about having it. It got to the point that I started disclosing on the first date just to get it over with. My reasoning was at least if and when he rejected me, at least we would have only wasted one date.
Arm yourself with information to share with your dates, insist that the men you date practice safe sex and not just for their own benefit!
Bad decision on the part of your dates to go without barrier protection even though they know you have herpes. They should not have blamed you or shamed you — they both made their own decisions not to use safer sex. For more about safer sex for seniors, see this article on SeniorPlanet.
As you may already know, there are two types of herpes. Type 1 HSV-1 is the oral herpes that causes cold sores or fever blisters in and around the mouth.
Type 2 HSV-2 causes genital herpes. The relationship between them is confusing, because during oral sex, you can transmit oral herpes to the genitals, resulting in genital herpes, and genital herpes can be transmitted to the mouth, resulting in oral herpes. Oral herpes is so common that many of us get it as children from being kissed by relatives.
Tips for Dating Someone With Herpes
They transmit sensation and body heat well. Long-term adverse effects doing this are rare, even after years. If you have outbreaks on one medication, you may want to switch to another. The medication decreases the risk of transmission by suppressing outbreaks, but you can transmit herpes even without an outbreak.
Although neither strategy is perfect on its own, the combination offers the most protection. Your date who was diagnosed with prostate cancer was wrong to blame this on you. Some studies indicate that there might be a link between herpes infection and prostate cancer, but the evidence is not strong yet and, in any case, does not prove that the herpes caused the cancer—there might just be an indirect link. Prostate cancer has multiple causes, so odds are that his cancer developed for other reasons.
In any case, six months is far too short a time to associate his prostate cancer with contracting herpes. Did you know that there are several online dating sites specifically for people with herpes? It may help you feel less isolated. One word of caution: Some users of these sites report that the lack of educational resources and the panicked communications do little more than segregate people with herpes.
It is a common assumption to initially think that a person may base their judgement of you on the fact you have genital herpes. However, for most this is a minor skin infection. People fear the possibility of rejection but the reality of this is that it rarely happens. Because fear of rejection is a concern, it leads some to question why they should risk talking about herpes.
Living with Herpes: Dating, Treatment, and Intimacy with HSV-1 and 2
Accordingly, some people choose not to tell. Instead they abstain during herpes outbreaks, practice safe sex at other times, and hope for the best. This strategy may have more disadvantages than advantages. First of all, you spend a lot of time and energy worrying that your partner is going to get herpes. For most people, the anxiety over not telling your partner you have herpes is worse than the telling itself.
On the other hand, by telling your partner you have herpes and allowing them to enter into the relationship with full knowledge of your infection, you reduce the likelihood of them becoming infected with herpes. Excuses create distance between partners and often lead to misunderstanding and guesswork. Your partner might interpret your excuses in ways more detrimental to the relationship than an honest discussion of genital herpes would be.
How to Live and Date with Herpes
Inaccurate and stigmatising articles and advertising have contributed to many of us having a lot of negative beliefs related to herpes that make it difficult to convince ourselves that others would want to be with us. Accepting the fact that you have herpes and are still the same person you were before will make it easier to have a fulfilling relationship.
The more emotionally charged an issue, the more important it is to find out the facts. Most people know little or no facts about herpes. Frequently, what knowledge they have is coloured by myth and misconception. Having the correct information about herpes not only makes it easier for your partner, it makes it easier for you. Following are some of the basic facts about herpes that might be important points to tell a partner. There is a lot of information about herpes. Have educational materials on hand for your partner to read. Be prepared to answer their questions.
What you say and how you say it is going to depend on your own personal style. Your attitude will influence how this news is received. Psychologists have observed that people tend to behave the way you expect them to behave, and expecting rejection increases the chances of an unhappy outcome. A straightforward and positive conversation about herpes issues is the best approach and may be helped by forward planning. How long should you know someone before you tell them? Allow the relationship to develop a little.
There are good and bad times to bring up the topic of herpes. Talking just prior to love-making is not a good idea either. The discussion could take place anywhere you feel safe and comfortable. Some people turn off the TV, take the phone off the hook, and broach the subject over a quiet dinner at home. Others prefer a more open place, like walking in the park, so that their partner will feel free to go home afterwards to mull things over. This allows both people to work off a little nervous energy at the same time. Try to be natural and spontaneous.
If you find yourself whispering, mumbling, or looking at the floor, stop for a moment and try to speak calmly and clearly. Look your partner in the face. Your delivery affects your message. The following opening statements represent a variety of nonthreatening ways to prompt discussion about herpes. They are not intended to be regarded as scripts. Try not to be melodramatic.
This is not a confession or a lecture, simply the sharing of information between two people. Avoid negative words and keep the dialogue simple and factual: Could we talk about what this means for us? Look for logical opportunities to bring up the subject. You might even be surprised to learn that your partner has been equally concerned about telling you that they have genital herpes or another sexual infection.
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In fact, the probability of this is reasonably high, given the statistics on HSV. People may just need a little time to assimilate the information. This is where having good written information helps. Consider giving them reading material or referring them to a Sexual Health Centre, the Herpes Helpline. Whatever the reaction, try to be flexible. Remember that it took you time to adjust as well. Negative reactions are often no more than the result of misinformation.
It takes a lot more than the occasional aggravation of herpes to destroy a sound relationship. Some people react negatively no matter what you say or how you say it.