So I'd need to be really sure that a guy with no dating experience was a much . You're going to be behind the curve at 21 versus your peers I'm afraid but then.
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Me and my friends are stumped about this. I am attractive and have a great personality.
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Some of the guy friends that I have had in the past have tried to well frankly put get in my pants and I have always discouraged them after that. Its like the only thing they want from me is to get in my pants and thats it. I have never been asked out on a date, yet everyone tells me that I am so nice and have a great sense of humor. Could you please help me? This has been plaguing me since well high school.
I would really appreciate it. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
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Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual s. Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses. Do people consider this pathetic or even a turn-off?
When people ask me about my dating and relationship history they become shocked almost as if they were disgusted when I tell them that I have none. People end up looking at me People end up looking at me like I'm some sort of disease.
To be honest I don't think I am in the right position to be dating or getting into any relationships. I have not been successful in finding a job therefore I will not have any money to spend on the girl and I think I have seriously messed up in my studies!!! So I definitely have more important things to concentrate on right now.
- 21-year-old guy with no dating/relationship experience...Turn-off? Am I a pathetic loser?!
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I'm just fed up of people judging me and looking at me like I'm a disease or something they can catch. Are you sure you want to delete this answer? Ok where do I start I am 27 years old and I do not find this pathetic or a turn- off. Just because you are not a man whore does not make you pathetic. I think it is great there are still guys out there like you. You will make someone a really great husband one day. First, you do not need money to have a relationship with a girl.
If a girl likes you for your money, it is not a good relationship from the start. People who act like that when you tell them you have no relationship experience are just ignorant. Most people like unique people. They do not care if you live up to a standard type of wannabe person. If you have an understanding partner and you're willing to listen to what she tells you, sex will be easy enough to manage though awkward at first.
Try online dating to go on a few low stakes dates. Ask out the girl you like you'll probably be awkwardly blunt here and that's OK.
No experience with girls after 21+ years = impossible to get girls - arraya.co Forums
Stop coming up with reasons not to do it and dive in. One other small point that may have other ramifications However, it dawned on me that in this aspect of your life you are, from a development perspective, still a teenager. That may mean you should also expect, and be ready for, some of the other things that bedevil teenagers, including inappropriate crushes, confusing sex with love, etc.
For this reason alone it would be helpful to have a sounding board as you navigate these new waters. So here's what you do. Since this probably happens to you every once in awhile, take the next woman up on this. You're very hung up on being inexperienced, but inexperience doesn't always equal bad. I think you think it's way more complicated than it is, especially kissing. Kissing takes about 15 minutes to get right, especially if you're aware of what your partner likes.
Sex takes longer, but it's about listening and paying attention to what she likes and what you like, and what's good for one partner isn't always what's good for another, but the basics are the basics.
How I Feel About Being 20 With No Relationship Experience Whatsoever
Overall, being scared of kissing and sex is going to be the biggest turn-off. Once you get the idea out of your head that you need a Master's-level course in the art of seduction to be worthy of a sexual partner, you'll be much closer to having a dating life. I would address your lack of confidence by finding some area in which you can genuinely challenge yourself and succeed. For example, for a period of time I was rock climbing with a group of friends, despite being unathletic and afraid of heights.
Directly confronting this phobia and the more nebulous sense of "I can't do sports" for hours a week had a huge effect on my confidence in other, completely unrelated areas of my life. When I met my future wife during this period, I found that I didn't need to think about how to be act confident -- I simply was confident, and everything just progressed spontaneously and easily. Worrying about some idea of a "friendzone" is only going to make you more self-conscious, as is worrying about your virginity.
More strategizing and rumination about your behavior is only going to make the problem of self-consciousness worse. Getting more comfortable with yourself, and with taking risks in general, is going to help get you get out of your head here. Now forgive me for possibly overanalysing your choice of words, but since written language is all that's on display here, I find the way you choose to express yourself on this very interesting and perhaps a clue in itself - for instance: What I notice very clearly here is your use of the passive and impersonal - "an emotion that is so widely discussed, written about, desired, and craved" You are posting this, but you don't sound a bit like you actually desire and crave a sexual relationship with a woman, the sex in itself or the emotional connection and all that.
You say you are "concerned" about your development being "deficient". This is language that sounds very unemotional for such an intimate issue. It goes through your whole post, this sort of emotional distance and remove. This and your list of qualities and the fact you clarify you're happy enough alone and the list of caveats and "high standards" Do you feel that?
How do you feel it? Because that's where everybody starts from, at 12 or 18 or 25 or whatever age It sounds like you're treating this in a "clinical" way, in a way that removes all your own personal feelings and desires from the equation. Maybe it's just your choice of words in posting on a public forum. Again apologies for possibly overanlysing language and repeating myself - writing this quickly off the top of my head.
But you have written a lot and it sounds like you thought about it a lot, so if that reflects your approach to this "issue" that you want to "get past", well, I'd ponder a bit more on that approach first and foremost. Open up a bit with yourself first, and ask yourself those questions about what you want, what you feel, what you crave for yourself - nevermind what others crave or notions of what "social development" should be.
I've known someone, a friend of a friend, who was a virgin up to his early 30s. He'd never had a girlfriend, relationship, kiss, nada. I remember he was an extremely polite guy, formal but friendly, sort of "old style gentleman" almost, easy going enough with his mates and well liked by them, successful in school and then work, he just had this sort of hang up about women or something, I don't know.
He wasn't really shy or insecure. He was perhaps a bit too precise and fastidious I guess, at least based on other things about him, the way he dressed, that kind of thing - not in an unpleasant way, but you could see this was not the sort of guy who'd gone through the classic teenage experiences of getting awfully drunk, or stoned, or smashed at least a couple of times; it wasn't the kind of guy who'd have a crush on a celebrity or singer or actress; or gone through being a heavy metal fan or discovering punk and getting matching hairdo and clothes etc.
You'd get the impression he wasn't the type to just "let go".
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Then, when he moved out and away from where he'd been born and grew up in, he got a better job and met a lot more people and maybe had the chance to become a bit of a different person or at least unlock something that was a bit too contained before. I am only guessing. But basically he had a series of long term relationship including living together with the girlfriend of the time.
Anyhow, last I saw him - with the girlfriend - the change was noticeable even in his appearance and it wasn't just the years - he'd put on a bit of weight, looked a lot more relaxed, had the same politeness and formality about him, but in a way that looked a lot more comfortable and at ease, like, mellower.
And in a way that gave the impression he really is interested in other people. And in his girlfriend in particular. I don't know or care! He somehow got out of his own "box" and made himself and someone else happier. Whichever path he took to get there, I think that is the primary impulse - openness, risk taking, genuine interest.
You've bundled up so many issues into one big lump of anxiety that it is hard to know where to begin. Number one is that if you are feeling anxious or unhappy about something, that's all the reason you need to chat with a therapist. Unless you get head into a happier place, I don't think the rest will follow. Number two is I kind of agree with the person above who pointed out that although you say it's not about the virginity, it comes across pretty clearly that it is indeed about the virginity.
There's nothing wrong in my book with visiting a competent and professional sex worker ideally in a legal setting, as in this ask-me-anything on Reddit; that person says she even gives discounts to first-timers to get the first time out of the way, and then move on to dealing with all the relationship questions separately.