Dating again at 43

I asked a group of single women what their biggest dating problems were. As a dating coach for single women over 40, one of the first questions .. I am Attractive, educated etc. I don't date men younger than 38, who are . I stayed in a bad marriage praying to never have to date again, thou I still.
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I sat with the feelings, talked them out with friends, meditated, and decided that the dating experience was here primarily to teach me about myself. But I still felt off-balance. I checked email regularly, looked at my Facebook page, hunted for texts that might have somehow been overlooked. Could I have been so wrong about the chemistry? I had foolishly thought that a date now and again would enliven my life, would give me something to look forward to, a reason to buy a new blouse, a more active social life.

I was old enough, experienced enough, and happy enough on my own to not take any of it too seriously. It would all be good, clean fun. My dating history, if all pulled together, added up to about a nanosecond. I had been that girl—you know, the one who thought she needed a man. But now, with 23 years of sobriety behind me, a lot of emotional and spiritual growth to my credit, a very strong sense of who I am, and what talents I bring to the larger world, I still had no clue how to date. A day and a half after our dinner, he sent another smiley face via email.

What was I to make of that? I wanted to reach through the screen and grab him by the throat: I felt immediate and overwhelming relief: No sooner had I heaved a sigh of relief when the caretaker in me kicked in. He needed chicken soup! I should make some immediately. I would put on my Florence Nightingale uniform and zip over to his place and nurse him back to health.

All this occurred in the time it took to blink my eyes. And lest we lose track of things, let me remind you and me that this was a man I hardly knew and by no means was planning a relationship with.

Life, Off Script

What was I doing? My impulse, during my dating years and all the married ones, was to care for other people, including our three kids. Prepare your body and mind. Try to look at mingling and dating as a new adventure. Also, do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel ready to dive into dating again.

Get your nails done, dye your hair, or change your wardrobe. Coffee, ice cream, a short walk in the park, or on the beach.

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Look for Meet Ups. Do you enjoy painting? And I quite liked the open book my life had become. I went on some great holidays learning to sail with a crew of French and Irishmen off the coast of Cork; doing Tai Chi with a bunch of girls on a Greek Island and learning Thai massage from someone of dubious gender on a beach in Koh Phangan.

But going to parties alone, spending Christmas Day literally alone in my flat, twice, and worst of all, going to bed alone at night were not easy. Over the next five years in between singles holidays and solitary Christmases I went from one cliche - the Office Christmas Party Romance With The Boss which lasted a year - to another, a three year dalliance with a man so afraid of commitment he would not buy cinema tickets in case he turned out not to like the film.

As I approached 40 instead of feeling panicked I began to feel a new confidence. No, I was not quite ready for spinsterhood yet. I clearly had a dodgy relationship radar, so maybe I needed to look in a different way.

Dating Again at 40 - Ways to Jump Back In the Game

Perhaps technology could help. I knew the prejudices about online dating: But I had a friend, who had met his partner on line. He was genuine, he was kind, he was solvent, he was even handsome. My logic said that if he was out there, there might be more like him. I just had to look. Over the next year I went on dates with about 10 different men, most of them one-offs. None, contrary to the myth, were married. They varied between chronic shyness and laughable arrogance. One walked off leaving me at a restaurant table because I would not drink.

Hannah Betts: My guide to finding love after 40

One sent me a nasty email after I abandoned the date because he was running so late. Only two fell into the category of 'A Bit Scary' — the first telling me how he nursed his mother to her death as we walked along a very dark street and the second who was furious that my long hair had been cut into a bob since my profile photo had been taken.

He accused me of being two different people.


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  6. Dating in your 40s: 10 things I've learned.

There was one Possible - a media lawyer, who was funny and clever. We went on a few dates, which I really enjoyed, but it became clear that he was still recovering from a very painful divorce. Then there was Porsche Man, who I only spoke to on the phone. On his profile he sounded OK and his picture looked nice, but as we tried to arrange a time to meet up, he mentioned, at least twice, that he owned a Porsche and seemed upset that I was not more impressed. It became clear that he was about to tell me I should count myself lucky, before I made my excuses….

However, that same November evening I received a call from another man whose profile I had picked out one night as I sat in bed with tonsillitis, feeling feverish, seriously unattractive and impatient. I could not be bothered chatting by email and simply sent my phone number saying, "If you are interested, call me. By then I had learned what to look for when checking a prospect's profile — not the photo.

It tells you very little. I had also changed mine from one where I thought I looked my best - makeup, earrings and a black cocktail dress - to one taken by my cousin, in which I looked relaxed, friendly: His profile said he liked films.